RELATIONSHIP HARD TALK ... Engage Your Mind; Guard Your Heart

PREVIEW OF THE BOOK "RELATIONSHIP HARD TALK" - Engage Your Mind; Guard Your Heart

PREPARATION

Preparation is very critical to success in every area of life. Romantic relationship is not an exception. How prepared are you to succeed in your relationship and partnership with the opposite sex? How many relationship books have you read this year? If you are 20 or 25, you must read at least 20 or 25 good relationship books you are ready to apply to your life to guarantee good preparation and success in your relationship. There is no short-cut to success.

ATTITUDE FOR RELATIONSHIP

If you are not a happy person, no relationship can make you happy. If your attitude is negative, you will attract a negative minded partner. You attract who you are. It is critically important that we strive to be the kind of person we want to attract. If you do otherwise, and enter a relationship with a mind-set of having it solve all your problems, you will frustrate yourself and the innocent undiscerning partner. Be guided.

LOVE AND RESPECT

Love and Respect are two critical issues in relationship. On the one hand, this two factors apply this way: a lady wants the guy who claims he wants her to show her love - this cuts across checking up on her, calling her and meeting her needs as may arise from time to time; a guy wants to be respected. He wants to know that this lady who says "I love you too" respects his person and what he holds dear. When these elements are absent in a relationship - it is just a matter of time, it will crash like a pack of cards.

On the other hand, Love and Respect has higher ideals: Love is expected to flow from both parties recourse to how bad or good a partner is. This is God element in Love which is without conditionalities. Before you agree to date or be in a relationship with someone, you must know afore-hand that you will be held accountable to this requirement. So be guided in making your choice. Respect here demands that if you don't show that virtue to your partner, do not expect love. You cannot eat your cake and have it. 

REALITY CHECK 

Do a reality-check now... if all that you are on the inside of you is exposed, as a guy, would you marry the person if you were a lady? Apply the same thought-line as a lady... if the reality of who you are on the inside is exposed to a guy, would you marry the lady if you were a guy? Many times, we refuse to develop ourselves and be made ready for relationship and marriage, yet we pray so hard asking God to send us prepared people! How audacious!!! If you were in God's shoes, would you send any of your children to someone who is not ready? Give this a serious thought and work on yourself today!

SOLID FOUNDATION 

Don't start your relationship on a faulty and shaky note by building falsehood around it. If you do so, you will be building a house on a sandy ground - once turbulence comes (and they will surely come), only those built on rocky foundations will stand through the storm. Be truthful and even if it hurts, let it be said that you were real.

LOVE AND COMMITMENT

Many times in a relationship, only one partner is 100% committed; the other partner is always still trying to make up his or her mind even after saying "YES" to the partnership. With such level of half-hearted commitment, there is no way the relationship will work. Until you learn how to be 100% committed to a relationship per time, no other relationship you enter with that kind of mindset will work. The sad part of it is the deceit that you make the serious partner to tolerate or endure without knowing. You really don't love that person and possibly don't even understand what love really means. Grow up! 













ENGAGE YOUR MIND; GUARD YOUR HEART

When you are in a relationship, let your head and your heart work together. In this case, your heart represents your conviction that the other person is the real deal and must be trusted with your life; again your head is the logical power that equates the same person with the environment in which you both operate knowing that he or she can switch allegiance based on extraneous challenges. While you hold the person dear and can be emotionally carried away, let your common sense use the things you see to guide your every step. Love is not BLIND!

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This up-coming book - RELATIONSHIP HARD TALK will be published first as an ebook in the first week of June, 2013.  The first 100 persons to book for a copy ahead of time will receive 10 additional ebooks including the author's lastest published book FREE.  To book for this all-important relationship ebook, please go to this link (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Creslead-Center/212427208892506) and drop your name and email in the message box after paying N750 into GTBank account No. 0116419658 (Creslead Nigeria Enterprises).  Please quote the Teller Number in the inbox message which should be sent to above link. 

Upon confirmation of your payment, the FREE ebooks will be sent to you immediately while you will be queued for the release of RELATIONSHIP HARD TALK.

It is time to increase your relationship knowledge and be the best that you can be.

THE THREE STAGES OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

One of the most critical area of every life is the relationship realm. This is speaking primarily for every kind of relationship. However, this note is specifically addressing romantic relationships. Every one of us have got what trips him or her in a woman or a man. At the point of starting out in the relationship, those things must have been spotted in our man or woman and that would have influenced our decision to give the union a go. It is very important that you never make the first move if you don't like the person. You don't consider starting if there is nothing in that person that you believe fits into your idea of an ideal partner. But that is just the first stage. There is a second stage and a third stage in every relationship that succeeds. What makes it a success is when you get to the third stage and move really on to greater good. Your relationship is not a success if it stops in stage one or two. Let us consider the three stages.

The Honeymoon Stage

You meet the guy or the lady, you interact for a while and you are 100% convinced you are meant for each other. Then the dating becomes more meaningful. You start addressing each other by special names; your friends know about you. You talk, talk and talk. Both of you see no evil, feel, no evil and believe nothing negative about each other. But this is a foundation laying stage. Serious partners will use this to build trust, speak about their past in phases, discuss family matters and talk about their future. Serious people will speak about their vision and how their relationship can affect it. They discuss and explore ways and means of surmounting challenges. At the background of all that is happening at this point is a high level of romantic feeling for each other. For couples who have agreed to the principle of NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, they go through a constant period of fighting back feelings of holding each other and touching and all of that. That may altogether not be avoided but they will ensure that there is no sex in spite of the huge amount of desire they feel. Feeling is a major part of this period. They want to see each other, send loving text messages, talk through the night and attend events together. One day without speaking or seeing each other is boring. This is the Honeymoon Stage. It does not last forever. After a while, the next stage opens up...

The Reality Stage

Was the first stage not real? Oh yes, it was. But at this second stage, whatever is felt at the first stage is going to be tested by fire, flood and storm at this point. If the love was superficial, this stage will reveal that identity. If it was built on truth and genuine love, it will be tested here. This is the stage where each of you begin to notice what you don't like about the other person. The way she speaks to you without "respect", the way he does not "care" about you... you begin see that your man or woman is always "thinking about herself" or "himself"... you get angry at each other, and walk out of each other's presence at times. But in your different private moments, you hate the fact that you tear at each other the way you do. You reason that you shouldn't have reacted the way you did. That is correct. It is not strange. The person who hurt you most the closest person to you. 

You have these conflicts because the real person is getting close and you are seeing things you never saw from away. You were not supposed to see them from a distance in the first place, anyway. The Honeymoon Stage is designed for attraction; this stage is for re-alignment and proper positioning. This is the time you work on your mindset to come to terms with the real person. The first things you experienced in the Honeymoon Stage is not a fluke... it is not a lie - it is only one aspect of the person. A man or woman is not a one-season human being. We are known in part in different seasons. Don't define a person just because you met him in a happy season. Wait for the unhappy season and see another part of him. That is what brings about total knowledge. And in life, we keep learning about ourselves.

This Reality Stage is critical. It tests your conviction. It tests your resolve and when all is said and done; if you cross this stage, then you can fly into Stage Three. We are not done with Stage Two yet.

Stage Two is the stage that reveals maturity or tasks you to become matured. As Christians, it tests your ability to keep promises you made in the euphoria of feelings and excitement. When you said, "I will love you forever", Stage Two demands that you put that into action even when you feel nothing like you felt when you uttered those words. At this point, it is important to state that true love is not just about feelings, romance and sex. IT IS ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY, COMMITMENT and TRUST. You will hurt each other so much you would sometimes regret ever meeting the person but while Stage 1 makes you feel good about the person, stage 2 brings about another kind of feeling - you feel bad sometimes. 

Look back into the initial attraction when you have the crisis of Stage 2. What attracted you? Is it still there? Who he is, has it changed? Has the crisis of Stage 2 made her totally a different person? What fighting spirit do the two of you have to fight for what you both believed in? IT IS A MAKE OR MAR STAGE. At this stage, Lilly levered lovers quit on each other. They see no further than the challenges. Some of the challenges can be so daunting that if third parties who do not know the person in Stage 1 are allowed to make input, they will make a decision for you to crash it. That is why third party advisers and observers must be kept at bay in relationships that must succeed. It does not matter how close you are to them; be careful not to discuss certain matters of your relationship with them.

How to cross Stage 2: Stay true to your initial love for that person. See the challenges as a job you must do to help the person overcome. See it as your task. Don't walk away. That is failure. Don't quit. Quitting is only permitted or allowed when Stage 2 reveals a totally fake individual and if he or she was never sincere in the first place. That also is the advantage of stage 2. Besides that, stay true to the love you still feel for that person. The reason you hurt so much when your relationship is challenged at this stage is because your spirit does not want to lose the prospect of having the Honeymoon of Stage 1 back in play again. 

80% of relationships today do not cross Stage 2: Why? Because we lack the tenacity, the patience and the endurance to work on our emotions. Relationships that succeeds has got feelings, romance and excitement on one hand and has got patience, commitment and dedication to the person on the other hand. The first one is easy and the second one is hard. The interplay of the two will produce amazing results for the future of the two of you.

Stage Three

When you cross stage 2, it will take only God Himself to stop the two of you. You have weathered the storm; you have endured the pains and struggled through the valleys and climbed the mountains. You are on the verge of the Promised Land. Wedding dates are now fixed, plans are in full force and the Marriage Life is in view. The couples who go through Stage 2 and succeed are those who will have a blissful marriage. So many marriages skipped stage 2 because in the heat of their passion, they jumped to Stage Three. Don't worry. Stage Two cannot be skipped really. You will have it inside the marriage and God have mercy on the two of you... you might crash the flight in the first or second year. 

Take a critical look at your relationship now and use your tongue to count your teeth. I hope this helps a lot of people. I love you all.

Taking Another Look at Love

Its been a while since I blogged.  A lot of factors has been responsible.  A lot of travels and a lot of work too.  Now, lets take another view at love, that vexed four letter word that has caused a lot of ripples in the lives of both the young and the old over the ages.

I do not have the time to speak about the different meanings of the word "love".  Suffice it to say however that love can be classified in three different categories of "agape", "phileo" and "eros".  All are important depending upon which angle you are positioned.  Agape, as the Greeks explain is God's unconditional love.  Phileo is the kindred feeling for brother and sister, mother and father, friends and acquaintances.  Eros is the animal love that lovers and married persons express in sex.

I want to focus on love as can be expressed in romantic situations.  This is the hottest subject of the times.  Every woman needs a man and vice versa.  This need creates equally high amount of crisis that if not properly managed can cause a huge emotional turmoil of gigantic proportion.  You see a lady, you feel strongly for her to be friends with her and when you speak to her, both of you seem to have the same chemistry and the next thing on your minds is how you can make that mutual feeling last for a long time.  But this always does not last as long as we expect it to be.  They are short-lived by many factors.  Some of these factors are what really true love should help ameliorate.

When you tell someone you love him or her, I believe what that should mean is this:  I like you as a person; I want to always be with you and if possible, I want you to spend the rest of our lives together.  It also means: I care a lot about you - I want to be part of your issues, your challenges and your needs.  I want to stand by you and help you through the vicissitudes of  life.  Love and romance fails to achieve its ultimate peak because we want to enjoy only the good part of the person we claim to love and allow them to deal with their peculiar challenges alone.  If it is possible, and this happens often; when we discover some issues about the person we claim to love and it is going to inconvenience us, we find ways and means to break away from that person.  Is that love?  Nope!

Love is when in spite of the weaknesses and challenges someone is facing, you can stand up and say: "Yes, I see these issues; but I have made a commitment to be in love with you - I will stay here with you and together we can fix this problem".  Love says, I am in pain because of what you have caused but I know you are a good person; your challenge or weakness is not what defines the entirety of your life.  Brace up, I am right here with you.

As human beings, we are basically selfish being.  Love seeks to banish selfishness and enthrone selflessness and sacrifice for the good of your love object.  Relationships, marriages and friendship across all romantic and emotional levels will do well and better if true love is given a chance.

True love does not tolerate evil, but finds a way to deal with the evil.  True love hates deceit and unfaithfulness but is able to stand up to them and defeat them.

Love and Friendship

I have always believed that two people desiring to become emotional and romantic lovers must first of all be friends.  What really is love without being friends?  Its a contradiction in terms.  Friendship is the central point of what holds true love together.  Friends don't relate on the basis of feelings but on the grounds of commitment to look out for each other's interests.  Therefore, when the sweet feelings of love wanes, the power of friendship holds the two together.  When issues make the two lovers temporarily alienates their romantic partnership, friendship makes them look at the issues objectively and they find a way around it.

Don't marry someone who is not a friend.  Marriage can throw some hard punches at the two of you; the best way to weather the storm of these challenges is when the two of you as friends can step aside, look at the issue as a mountain that must be overcome and synergize your friendship powers to overthrow the troubles.

Let us do this again another time.

Undressing Issues That Makes Relationship & Marriage Sour

              A lot of people in relationships and marriage have no business being in it at all.  My impatience reached fever pitch recently when a lady told me she had been in a relationship for twelve (12) years only to discover that the guy had just married someone else behind her back.  I tried to brace myself up to encourage her to take heart and move on but I couldn’t resist the feeling of anger knowing that she too was culpable – by allowing someone to hold her life down for 12 whole years.

       There is a huge difference between casual dating that result in intimate relationship and a serious commitment to each other for life.  The former is engaged in by people with fleeting or no purpose for life in a holistic way while the latter is entered into by people who have an idea of what they want out of life and what donation they are here on earth to make.  For the second group of people, even though they are few, they are the ones who turn out to be real world changers.

            When two people are drawn to each other only on the basis of how they feel in their genitals, they will eventually fall apart and lose the feelings the way the sex act itself plays out from foreplay to climax and eventual limpness!  There has to be a more serious reason to be romantically linked to someone beyond the “oohs” and “aahs” of romance and sex.  If you are presently in a relationship that you hope may end up in marriage and the binding force is the power of sex between you and your partner, then you must begin to scratch your head and seek the exit door.  It is better to quit now that you still have your sense intact.

            The life of an average individual is made up of four major areas.  There is the spiritual, material, intellectual and emotional set-up.  If you must be in a relationship with someone, wouldn’t it be reasonable to first of all seat down and count the cost?  Find out if you are on the same spiritual wavelength with the person.  What is your understanding of material well-being and how does the other person view it?  Can the two of you carry on an intellectual discussion without misunderstanding each other?  Can you balance your emotional life with that person?  This is the most primary level of test.  If at this level, there is a disconnect in any of these area, you must raise the red flag and put a break to your feelings no matter how strong they are.  You cannot trust your feelings alone!  You have to balance your feelings for each other with the other three major areas which are critical aspects of your lives.  Like I have always said, there are 24 hours in a day.  The highest amount of time any couple can devote to the passion of sex is only about 1 hour!  If you have not figured out what the two of you will be doing with the remaining 23 hours, then you will be creating a monumental frustration lifestyle ahead of you.

Having dealt with the foundation issues, I want to critically address some of the challenges people in purpose-driven relationships face from time to time.  There is the danger of feeling that they are coasting home since their partners have some high level of understanding about relationship at a generic level as they possess and therefore do not expect any bumps along the way; this is a breeding ground for taking each other for granted.

For the relationship to continue to flourish there has to be constant watering and tending.  The inability to continue to work on themselves and the relationship itself is the bane of many unions.  Let us nail the head on this subject by looking at three critical issues of watering and tending.

1.      Understand Your Roles

Any time people abandon God’s ways, pain will become their portion.  God ordained that the man to be the leader and the head.  The woman was created to support the man as a helper.  This has nothing to do with who is better of the two.  The confusion people have is the fact that they believe because the woman is a helper, she is automatically inferior.  No!  The man on the other hand is not better than the woman; he just got a role to be a leader.  Look at it critically; a true leader is also a very serious servant!  God made them equal but with different roles.  Play your part.  Play your role. 

2.      Be truly sincere

Don’t tolerate anything in courtship that you will not allow in marriage.  If you can’t take it now, deal with it now.  If you find anything antithetical to your belief system or values, discuss it now!  If you can’t agree at the courtship period, don’t be deceived that being married will make things sort themselves out.  Things don’t always sort themselves out – people have to do it! 

          If you don’t like the guy or the lady now; watch your steps.  Understanding about each other develops with time.  That is the reason why I advocate for a fairly reasonably long relationship to allow for time to test the attitudes and orientation of each partner.  The relationship shouldn’t be too long beyond necessary – that too can make the two of you weary yourselves out.  If the two of you use to enjoy discussions just for the sake of mutual fellowship and one of you starts getting irritated unnecessarily about it, then you must watch it.  Two things could be possible – someone else might be tickling his or her fancy or the feelings for you are waning and there is nothing else that looks interesting to sustain your friendship. 

3.      Make sacrifices

Relationships or marriages that work are the results of sacrifices.  But I am not asking that people should commit suicide!  There is a world of difference between tolerating someone for a weakness the person is owning up to and is willing to change than someone who justifies every wrong action and says “that’s me – deal with it!”  There is no character trait that cannot be changed especially if it runs contrary to Biblical standards.  It must be noted that I am discussing from a faith-based point of view.  That is the center of my life and if you have no faith in Christ, you are reading the wrong piece.

We must learn to trade-off some of our requirements for a lady or a guy who should be our relationship partner or spouse.  You cannot have a perfect partner – you are not perfect.  So if you have a partner that meets the generality of your requirement based on some of the criteria we have enunciated above, then other things can be worked on with time.  But, you must make sure they are things that are not central to your values and belief system.  Those are the things you cannot afford to trade-off!

A discussion on building value-adding relationship cannot be exhaustive.  At best, I have just scratched the surface, but I believe that in this piece, there is enough stuff here to lay a solid foundation upon which purpose driven people can build their relationship on.  Enjoy a sweet day wherever you are.

I am 40 and the foundation is set!

In the beginning...

I was born 40 years ago... precisely 14th August, 1972.  My birth was not accident.  It was predetermined by God and it was meant to fulfill a purpose.  I didn't know what that purpose was until I was in my early 20s.  Even then, it was vague but the activities I engaged it gave credence to it later.

I have had a heck of a journey for 40 years!  I have had bumps, de-tours, distractions, obstructions, obstacles, mountain climbing times and valley walking seasons.  Through it all, it has been with the God-factor in it.  I have also had some very joyful moments.  That is how journeys are.  They are not always straight in nature.  The most important thing is the fact that I have my destination in focus.

The days of naivety and ignorance

There was a time in my life when I lived in ignorance but I was a curious and inquisitive person.  I have always been a nice person; trusting everybody hook, line and sinker!  Believing any body and just trusting that everybody meant well.  I have learnt hard lessons in the course of my life that not many people actually care about me.  But my days of naivety and ignorance were not excuses for the penalties I had to concede.  The penalties were huge but I survived them.

I am a better person for the lessons I have learnt from the stress that came from making bad decisions which was as a result of poor information.

Godwin the Determined Person

I read somewhere recently that persistence and determination are equal to omnipotence.  Today, on my facebook page, a friend, in extending his congratulations said he wonders where I get the strength to keep pushing forward inspite of all odds.  In my 40 years of life, I have had to suffer all kinds of set-backs, set-ups and all.  As a pastor and a minister of the Gospel, besides being a management/leadership trainer, a media consultant, a professional writer/author and a life coach, I run a family and had the good fortune of being a leader in at a very tender age.  These did not come without its very devastating challenges.  But today, I speak as a victor.

I want to encourage those who are passing through challenges to know that you fail when you give up.  I don't give up once I believe in a cause.  Things may get mad, but I don't go with them.  In 40 years of being alive, I have been married and divorced; lost 3 children with 2 alive; have had to go through 2 devastating job losses one of which took place 2 weeks after my wedding.  I have had my fair share of crisis.  I have had time when I have been misunderstood, misconstrued, misquoted, and mis-everything.  But I am here today because God loves me!

I don't beat myself up.  I don't blame myself too much and don't take myself too serious.  But I work hard, I go for goals that I pursue and I wake up everyday speaking to myself that I am a victor because of Christ.

God blessed me with early...

I didn't go to a conventional university.  I went to the University of Hard Knocks!  I did most of my higher education through correspondence and part time basis.  I started working at 15 after secondary school.  I had to pay my way through school pushing truck in Wurukum Market, in Makurdi, Benue State.  In spite of what you might call a faulty start, at 22 I was a senior officer in a multi-national company, went on to work at Access and Zenith Bank for a combined period of 8 years and garnered enough experience to now begin to run my business today.  I have been recently blessed with a national award on entrepreneurship.  God has indeed blessed me.

I got saved at the age of 17 in Murtala Square, Kaduna, North West Nigeria on October 20, 1990 during the Reinhard Bonnke Gospel Crusade in that city.  That is the best foundation of my life.  I went on to become a very active Christian till date.  I served in virtually all arms of the Church in The Open Christian Assembly leading to my ordination as an Elder at the age of 30.  By the time I was 33, I was ordained a Pastor.  I spent 16 years in that Church.  I cut my ministerial teeth there.  Today, I run LoveHouse International Gospel Center.  At 40, I am a blessed man.

My future is bright

Don't ever allow your present circumstances to define who you are.  You are not the situation you find yourself in.  The situation and circumstances should be treated as an event.  Your life is happening in process.  If you have God in your life, then He is the anchor of your life.  He orchestrates what you call the bad, the good and the ugly to achieve His Divine purpose.  Don't scream out too loud because of pain and offend God.  Trust Him through the dark.  There were times my life didn't mean much to me or people around me.  Some people gave up on me; but there was no reason in doing that because my success or failure wasn't going to affect their own lives.  People get mad at you for no just cause, therefore do not be too careful to please any man.  Your life is entirely up to the decision you make and how you go about implementing your decisions.  

I will marry again; I will have children too!  I will be great and everything will be fine.  I will be a reference point and people will come to me for help and I will help them!  I have a good life in spite of everything.  Be encouraged if you have my kind of story... you too are going to be a success!

You don't need a perfect life; you must live your life to the full:

Don't surrender the driving seat of your life to people who think you ought to do whatever they say.  Live based on God's principles and the peculiarity He has packaged you to be.  You are special; you are unique and you are different.  It is not wrong to be different as long as you are in line with God.  People will not like you much at the beginning, but if you keep your cause in front of you and pursue your purpose with determination, you will become a star and an inventor of a concept that becomes a style for the future.

I am so thankful to God that He allowed me to see this day and allowed me to share this information of encouragement with you, my friends.  Let me know if this has helped you...

God bless you richly.