At the Ladies' Court

In my last two blogs, I had a heart to heart talk with the men.  It was a frank talk with nothing held back.  I may go back to some things I left out but I do not want to keep the ladies waiting for too long.  So, it is time for our kitchen talk.  Guys may eavesdrop as the ladies did when I had a chat with them.

The subject, as a way of reminder, is on the matters of the heart.  Incidentally, just yesterday, Prince Williams and the newest bride at  Buckingham Palace, Kate signed the dotted lines to be man and wife.  It was the wedding of the century!  A record 2 Billion people watched it across the world on satellite TV.  It has suddenly set a standard for how a wedding should be especially in the eyes of our ladies.  I ran a comment on my facebook page yesterday pleading with our ladies not to squeeze the living daylight out of the guys by using Kate's wedding as a standard! 

Ladies, talking seriously, I want us to examine the motivation behind the desire to be in a relationship.  Satellite TV and ICT-driven technological means of communication has raised the hype for how relationships should be entered into and what guys are expected to behave.  But I want to warn that most of the things we see on Hollywood movies and social tabloids of movie and music stars are completely make-believe and not truly a reflection of the reality.  I want ladies to come to terms with the fact that we are first of all humans and must be human beings and also rationale behinds.

What are your standards for a relationship?

For the average lady, it can be arguably stated, even though debatable, that a relationship for her should be 100% focused on her needs and wants!  This ought not so to be!  A relationship is a two-way traffic.  As a matter of fact, ladies, you must realize that you get the best out of every relationship on the basis of how much you are ready to give to it.  It should be clear to you now that I had spent time educating our guys of their basic responsibilities of the guys towards you... so the question of me (a guy) being biased does not arise at all.

Let us look at a few preparatory work the ladies should engage in, in their quest to entering a value adding relationship.

Develop a Personal Self-Esteem

Girl, do you have a personal life?  It is very easy to define your life by the relationship you have, but you must know that no relationship can give you an identity until you give your life a name!  Do you have a personal identity on your own?  Do you have a life besides a guy?  For the guys, I asked them to have a purpose... my lady - do you have a reason for your life?

A good education is one area you need to fortify yourself with.  Religiously, do you have your joy in God's presence?  That is critically important.  As great as a relationship may mean to you, God remains your all-in-all.  Ladies who do not send need-signals around for their "love-tanks" to be fed will get better attention from "quality" guys than those who do.

A relationship should serve as a complimentary factor in your life not the main issue.

Have something a man needs


Every relationship you go into should be a place of contribution.  What do you have to offer in every relationship?  Forget about the emotional aspects... sex, curves and body appeals.  You must not over-emphasize that above the qualities that address the issues of value in the relationship.

What really do men desire?  Someone said its courtesy, respect and honour.  This is very true. I want an interface from the ladies at this point and I want you to share with me what you really believe men want in a relationship.

In my next blog, we can address further issues that will help the ladies have a better handle on the matters of the heart.

Frank Talk with Men - Part 2

Yesterday, I talked about the need for you as a man to define a path for your life before getting entangled with a lady.  Knowing what you want will help you to properly identify what help you need from the relationship and how you can impact the partner. 

Experience has shown that many men marry for the wrong reasons.  Your mates are getting married and you jump into the frail like there is a medal being awarded for those who get married at a certain age.  People call you "settling down".  If you have to marry before you are considered "settled" then you can be sure that you will be further scattered.

Today, I want to address the responsibility of the man in every relationship.  A man should be a pacesetter, a vision carrier and a creative personality.  Being a man is a huge responsibility.  The critical aspect of being men is the fact that you are less appreciated.  It is very difficult being a man and I can understand why many men hide and run away from being truly responsible but paying the price of responsibility is the best way to simplify life.  More cards are sent out during Mothers' Day than any other period of the year the world over.  How many men get cards on Fathers' Day?  Children gravitate towards their mother because she is always available but have less bonding relationship with their fathers because he is always out in the field trying to put food on the table.  Yet he is less appreciated.  If you wait to be appreciated before you fulfill your destiny purpose as a man, you may wait forever.  Do what you are created to do and leave the rewards in the hands of God.

The Man as a Leader

The number one duty of a man in a relationship is to chart a clear course of where his life and that of his partner is headed.  A man is a leader and leaders show the way.  A man must be decisive and not be wishy-washy in his ways.  Decision-making is a virtue of a true man who should lead his partner.  I have realized that ladies gravitate more towards men who seem to know where they are headed.  Would you not rather follow someone who knows where he is going than being with someone who is always unsure of what is next? 

The Provider

Men should provide for the needs of their partners.  I have seen men who look out for ladies who are working and earning hot cash to marry.  And such men are not lifting their own fingers to do anything worthwhile.  I call them thieves!  You may be offended for all I care - get a life!  You are created to fend for your family especially for your partner.  This does not imply meeting every want of hers - but needs.  This entails doing something worthwhile for you to meet basic needs like getting a roof over her head, food on the table, basic clothing and general support.  This may vary from class to class but whichever class you are found, you must live up to your responsibility.  It is understood that you may not be buoyant all season-round but when you do get in the flow for cash, you should act up to your name as a provider.

The Man as a Lover

Love is the "opium" of the women-folk.  They want to hear you say it to them, they want you to indulge them and by all intents and purposes they want what they call "romance" - whatever that means - find out and do their bidding as much as strength lies in you.  They see their love-life as the number one issue in their lives even though they need constant education on that subject.  But the issue here is to ensure that you play your role well.  You can't be everything to a woman but you can be all you can be to them.  The man must be knowledgeable enough to understand that ladies are 80% emotional and 20% reasonable and the reverse is the case for the men.

The Man as a Teacher & Lecturer

As a man, you must teach your partner.  Ladies like people who would tell them what to do.  It is therefore not right to be ignorant while you are trying to be a leader since relationship with the ladies is a call unto leadership.  Be a reader, if you want to be a leader.  You want a partner, but how many books have you read about ladies and relationship generally?  Don't walk in assumption or with a traditional mindset.  Be in the know!

This is not the last word with men but I will take a break and speak to the hearts of ladies in the next two blogs.

Let me hear from you.








   

Frank Talk with Men

I want to engage my male folks in a discourse today.  The focus is on the relationship side of the male vis-a-vis the male's purpose for life.  Let us face it: IT IS NOT GOOD FOR A MAN TO BE ALONE.  We as men want to always use that as the main reason why we seek relationships with the women but we do not carry on with a clear sense of purpose and mission.  It is not enough to know that we need to have a woman to our name, but are we truly ready for what it takes for it to be successful?

WHY DO YOU NEED A WOMAN?

Yes, it is not good for a man to be alone.  But when is the man ready to be paired up?  This is not only subject to marital relationships but relationships with the opposite sex generally.  What need do you have that you want a relationship to meet?  If you cannot define a specific need in your life for which you need a relationship, then you do not need to get another lady's life complicated.  Stay alone. 

Ideally, a man who is on a mission needs a lady of like passion so that together, a powerful synergy of partnership can be formed for productive and progressive success.  Before you bombard me with the question of me missing out the need for filling your biological gap as a man, let me state clearly that the basic reason you need a woman is not sex.  Sex is only about 20% of every man-woman relationship.  If you have not figured out the larger purpose for the relationship before thinking of sex, you may crash the relationship after the first sexual encounter because for all intents and purposes, you would have fulfilled your desire.

Do you have a job?   By a job I do not mean just an occupation?  What I mean is simply this:  Have you found a reason for your life?  When you find your purpose on planet earth and you start going about getting it done, then you will need someone with whom you can partner with and get that job done because nothing of significance is ever done well alone.  Therefore, your partner must be one who is on the same page with you on your purpose, passion and vision for life.  This is the first consideration and it must be taken seriously so that when you go out on a date with a lady, the first criteria you have at the back of your head is: can this young woman understand my purpose in life?  Where is she headed?  How can my purpose help her become the best she can be?  If you are able to answer those questions with positive answers, then other criteria like body curves - hips and lips, skin tone and height can follow.

No man should enter into any relationship casually.  I hear about concepts like "one-night-stand".  Well, that sounds like fun to a lot of people but I believe a man on a mission has no time for a stand in one night!  It may decimate your life.

There are a host of other considerations that men seeking to enter into relationships must be careful to check out.  This particularly applies to relationships that has lasting effect.  Lets take a look at a few of such vital signs.  I personally crave your indulgence to take them seriously because if I had known them a little over a decade ago when I took a dive into matrimony, I would have avoided a lot of painful experiences I have had to endure over the years.

1.  Do you have a passionate desire to give to her?
2.  Does the lady have an equal amount of desire to give you?
3.  Does your personal achievement excite her?
4.  Is she captivated by what captivates you?
5.  Do you have a strong desire to impress her.  You should.
6.  Is she concerned enough to ask you quality questions about your purpose?
7.  Does she have a mentor?  Does she respect the counsel of her mentor?
8.  Think twice if she has not impressed her pastor.
9.  Do the two of you have a continuous improvement in the relationship?
10.  Does she show deep remorse for mistakes she has made or she simply glosses over them?

The list cannot be exhaustive here but this gives a general idea of what you should focus on as criteria in your desire to get a mate.

In my next blog, I will talk about the responsibility you have towards your woman as a man.  Thereafter, it will be my turn for a frank talk with ladies.

Enjoy your day.

NIGERIA ELECTIONS: Farewell to Nigeria's Old Brigade

Before I round up this discourse on the issues related to the just concluded Nigeria's Presidential Elections, I want to quote what Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) Chairman, Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor said in an interview published in today's edition of Sun Newspaper.

“Let us not pretend by always saying the violence is taking place in some parts of the country. People like Gen. Buhari and others like him should not be allowed to roam the streets of this country because they are part of the confusion that has enveloped the nation today. “I believe that the current violence we are experiencing in parts of the North is because certain highly placed persons in this country magnified the PDP problem of zoning offices and gave the impression to the electorate and the generality of northerners, especially the gullible illiterates that it was their turn to rule.

“Basically, what we are seeing today is the fact that they feel it is their turn to rule. Those people who are perpetrating the mayhem do not know who won the elections and in what place. In fact, you will recall that the violence started long before the INEC chairman actually declared the results and sadly the mayhem is mostly in the states where Gen. Buhari won,”

The above statement by Pastor Oritsejafor puts a seal on what I have been talking about.  The violent riots was instigated by people who are no longer relevant in Nigerian politics but want to continue to have a say by all means.  The election of President Goodluck Jonathan, a minority is the final nail on the coffin of the Old Brigade of Nigerian politics.

Our nation has suffered from bad leadership from these same people who seek to lead us again.  Buhari's leadership style in the 1980s was a terror-style leadership under the military that had no democratic inclination.  Now, nearly 30 years later, he has not changed as his campaign speeches are laced by violent-instigating statements.

Like I mentioned before in my previous posts, I am not a card carrying member of any party and do not intend to join any party soon; but my interest is to see a Nigerian state led by a group of dedicated, committed and people-oriented crop of leaders.  That is why we need the Jonathan's team from May 29 to be made up of highly intellectual group of people whose major intent is to move the nation forward in every sphere.

As we go to the polls for the gubernatorial and state assembly elections tomorrow, I implore all Nigerians of voting age to come out and vote out all charlattans and then help those who have been performing to continue their good work.  I love what Fashola is doing in Lagos.  He deserves a second term!  

I looked towards Central Nigeria and I believe the people of Benue State know more than those of us who are not resident there that it is "time up" for Gabriel Suswam after 4 years of organizing "shows" in the name of governance.  Someone else needs to fix Benue.  

I will continue to pray for Nigeria, and I want all the friends of Nigeria to pray along with me.  God bless Nigeria.

NIGERIA ELECTIONS: Nigeria's Reactive Security Apparatus

After discussing the non-rationality of the crisis that engulfed Northern Nigeria in the wake of the 2011 Presidential Elections in Nigeria, I now turn around to discuss the lack of readiness by the Nigerian security apparatchik in the handling of the crisis and others before it.


Like virtually everything in Nigeria, our security operation and its agencies are reactive in nature rather than proactive.  We tend to always want to find the cause of a crime after it has been committed.  In saner societies (this is not to assume that all of us in Nigeria are mad...), fighting crime has gone beyond investigating a crime committed but in its prevention.

When the elections approached, our security services were heavily sensitized to mobilize their men to flash-points in the country.  They were supposed to have had their ears on the ground for intelligence on what is being planned and then nip them in the bud.  But what we have in abundance and what transpired in the current scenerio was an apology.  The riots broke out and our security forces, especially the Police Force were left napping until the mobile outfits of the Police and the Military were deployed! 

Lives had been lost, properties worth billions of naira destroyed and great damages done before they started patrolling the streets.  In local parlance, we call that "medicine after death".  No effect whatsoever!

Yes, I know the Interior Minister was fired.  That is also "medicine after death".  A proactive force will post officers and men to man flashpoints as the elections were going on and just before the results start trickling in, security should have been properly beefed up to ensure that no untoward incident is recorded.  And in the event of the rioters gathering, swift communication across security agencies should have averted any form of danger.  What happened last week caught the entire security agencies off-guard - that means they were totally unprepared.

And to know that the government voted huge sums of money for security before the elections is more worrisome.  What happened to those votes?  And what purpose was it meant to serve?  Some people have to answer for this.  What we need is sound intelligence gathering; proactive activities in the security system and total crime prevention through the deployment of sound communication equipment with a highly mobile security men and women who have highly sophisticated crime fighting weaponry to scare the living hell out of every criminally minded persons.

All who perpetuated any kind of crime in the unfolding events must be brought to book to serve as deterrent to others.  The way we handle the aftermarth of this crisis will determine if we will continue to revolve in circles or we will outgrow it.

God bless Nigeria.